January 16. 2004 12:33

Obsessions are BAD!!

I'm pathetic. I feel so depressed today. I hate this mood. I'd like to write about it, it'd probably help at least for a while, but I don't know where to start or even what I really want to say. Sigh. Let's try.

I'm so pathetic when it comes to making friends. Usually it's not a problem, for several reasons. Making acquintances (spelling?) is easy and I'm usually satisfied with that, and I like being alone so that's okay, too. But every now and then I meet people I really want to be with and then the problems start. If I get any indication that they're not having fun with me, I start worrying if they're enjoying themselves, whether they like to be with me or not. (This topic is very elusive, by the way, I get one sentence written and the next one already slips my mind.) If it goes on, I worry about it so much that I start curling up into myself and that just makes things worse. I'm bad at having interesting conversations as it is, but when I start feeling insecure I can't get a word out of my mouth. I can't even come up with a topic to talk about. But I really really want to be with these people, so I go to them anyway, and then I start feeling uneasy because I think they'd be spending their time better if I wasn't there, spreading my difficult mood around. Then I start obsessing about it. (And that makes me MAD at myself, but I can't stop it, even though I know it's unhealthy.) I want to go see those people, but I know I shouldn't when I'm feeling down, but I do anyway because my head won't listen to reason, and then I'm feeling even more down afterwards. It's like eating too much sweets, you can't help yourself though you know you'll just feel bad afterwards -_- I've tried staying home when I feel like that, but then I just keep thinking of what they're doing and if they're doing something fun and if I'd have fun if I went there too. My thoughts are locked on this one single thing, spending time with these people, and I HATE HATE HATE when that happens!!! (Because it makes me feel so bad about myself.)

Well, it's kinda obvious that I'm talking about the other exchange students here, Dion & co. basically. But I get this exact same feeling at home, too. It's actually kinda scary how little it varies, I can tell the almost exact feeling I'm going to have next. But it hasn't happened enough many times that I would've learned to deal with it, damn it. When it comes to this point, the point where I'm obsessed and there is basically no return, my feelings get messed up the most because from this point on I have no idea what will happen. It all depends on whether the other people actually like me or not. I can't force myself out of the wheel anymore, so I'm just waiting for the other end of the mess to clear up so I can get my peace. Actually, I don't really care if they end up hating me (actually, when I'm acting this weird, I think they will), as long as they tell me what they think. I can accept any result, it's the not knowing part that I have problems with.

Yeah, so that's the basic problem. I tried to make it as clear as I can, but it's not that clear to me either. It has too many feelings in it and these kind of feelings are really difficult to write about. Tranquil feelings and happy feelings and even feelings of anger are easy, but feelings of frustration and "incompetence" are too elusive. But yeah, I like to think I have built a good base for a solid self esteem, and I think in general I have, but then there are these certain problems... Ugh. I really want to get rid of these feelings that make me feel bad so bad about myself. (In fact, as I thought, writing this helped so now I might try changing my attitude today. Though I kinda think that I'll return to the same self loath the moment I see others.)

It's the usual problem again today, we're all basically going to Sanjusangendo to see kyuudo, Japanese archery, and then to see Tom's exhibition after that. But, the others didn't know when or how they were going to go yesterday, so I now have to decide whether I'm going to send sky mail to Dion/go to the dorm and ask, or if I'm going to go by myself, thinking that they probably just don't want me around. Whew, now that I wrote that down it sounds so silly ^_^;; What I was thinking was that I don't want to force my company on them by just inviting myself into the group, I'll rather give them the opportunity to come to me if they want, so I know I'm not forcing them. (Though since I'm the "extra" person in the group, that doesn't really work. I'm the one who's supposed to ask if I can come with, by the unwritten laws of social interaction...) Besides, I really want to see this archery event and if I have to wait until they get their asses moving I might miss a lot of it... So I kinda decided that I'm going there alone.

A moment ago, before I wrote the previous paragraph, I was thinking that I wouldn't even contact them unless I saw them at the event (because of the forcing thing), but writing that really cleared my head. Thinking like that really is silly :D Now I decided I'm going alone because I want to see more of the event that I'd be able to with them (I know it'll take them ages to get up and going), not because I'm afraid of forcing myself on others. I bet the enlightenment inside my head doesn't come through here, but anyway ^_^ I think I will send them a sky mail about it, but I'll just say I've gone already and they can see me at the event. Heh, I feel so much better now ^_^ (And I REALLY should get going, or I'll miss the event because I'm sitting here writing!)

One last note: I started reading Megatokyo again yesterday and I realized how much I resemble Piro (the real life version) in some aspects... When I read his rants I started thinking that we actually think the same way about a lot of things. That actually inspired me to use the word "pathetic" to describe myself, and it fits perfectly :P Well, I'd like to get into the things we think similarly about a bit more, but nah, not today.