December 18. 2004 23:32

Depression

Damn, I'm so depressed today. So f**king depressed. And it started out as a great day, too. I was able to do some cleaning and everything, things I haven't been doing ever since I got this panic with the school assignments. But then I got depressed and now I'm drunk... (So if this entry is a bit irrational, please forgive me.)

As I said (or I think I said), Dion invited me to join him and Richard to go see some pagoda today (in fact, the Toji pagoda). It turned out that Richard couldn't make it after all, because he had some work to do, so it was just me and Dion in the end. (As I understand it, they had been drinking when they agreed on this, so Richard probably wasn't thinking too clearly...) And we didn't even go to Toji after all, because I had already been there and didn't think it was that great (but of course, I've only been there during the markets, so I've been paying more attention to what's on sale than the temple itself...), and because Dion was feeling lazy and biking all the way down to the south side of Kyoto Station felt like too much work. (I wouldn't really have wanted to bike there either, though.) So, instead we went west from Iwakura to see this one big shrine called Kamigamo shrine, and then a few small temples around it, and then finally to check out what Jisso-in temple near my dorm is like. A lot of the temples cost to get in, though, so we didn't actually go in to many of them, but only went to see the front.

Dion was feeling like his usual bitchy self, probably mostly because he was feeling tired and lazy. So, I wasn't enjoying his company as much as I could have, but at least the Kamigamo shrine was really beautiful and the day was great for a bike ride around. I really wanted to spend time outside of my room today and I really wanted some human contact. I was a bit disappointed about how cranky Dion was feeling, but at least I got to spend time somewhere else than in my room, where the reek of work still remains.

After we finished our sightseeing tour, Dion wanted to go home and have a nap, but I didn't want to be imprisoned inside my room again, so I kind of insisted on going with him to the boy's dorm, even though he was saying there'd be nothing to do there. I don't mind if there's nothing to do at all, I'm very happy just sitting still in a room if only there are other people in the same space, but I think he felt obligued to entertain me somehow, so he kinda had a hard time coming up with things we could do. And I'm really bad at saying out loud that I don't mind just sitting still, which I really regret afterwards every time this happens, but there's no helping it.

So, I spent a good while sitting in Dion's room, enjoying myself but feeling a bit bad because he was trying to figure out what to "do with me", like, showed me some episodes from different series and asked me if I wanted to see a movie he'd have. At one point Richard stopped by and we watched the newest South Park episode, and after that I started reading Dion's Japanese studies book (which was very interesting) and Dion played with his computer. Then we got hungry so we had to go to Reata to have dinner and Richard joined us there. After that, unfortunately, I couldn't intrude myself on Dion or any of the others anymore, because they certainly seemed like they didn't want me around... So I had to go home, feeling all lonely.

And that gets me to this depression. It's the first time since I came to Japan that this has hit me. It happens to me in Finland every now and then and it's the most annoying thing... It's always the same pattern: I want to go somewhere, spend some time with my friends, but none of them seem too interested in spending time with me. Everyone's busy, but I really want to hang out. So, sometimes I just "force" my company on someone, go to somewhere where there's people and hang out even if they're not too interested in having me there. Then, after spending a while there, I start feeling guilty about being around when they're not having fun with me. And when that happens, it's all downhill.

I feel like I should leave so the people I'm with could do whatever they want, but I don't want to be all alone. Then I start feeling anxious about that, and then I'm not in a happy mood anymore, which makes me feel even more like I shouldn't be forcing myself on other people because I'll just bring them down being all gloomy and stuff. These two sides, the one that wants to have company and the one that doesn't want the company to feel uneasy, start fighting inside me, and they're always equal. The longer these sides fight inside my head, the harder it gets for me to decide which I should do, stay or leave. Usually I decide to leave when it gets unbearable, because alone I at least won't be any harm to other people. I'd like to fall down on other people to make them realize how much I need their company, but I don't want to make them go though all that, so I'll just leave and bear it by myself. It's easier that way... Even though I could fantasize about other people understanding me completely, they never tend to do that, so I don't want to bother explaining it all to them in my weakened mood.

After I depart, I usually feel really down because I couldn't explain the people I was with why it was so important to me to be with them. It all builds up as an unbearable pain in my chest, and I want to cry because I know that'd make me feel better, but I never can. The pain in my chest almost makes me want to be self destructive, but I still haven't figured out what would make it go away. I think the key is to have someone tell me they want me around, that they want to spend time with me, because the depression originates from the feeling of people not wanting me around. But, for someone to recognize when they have to tell me that is almost like an ability that only a dream man from manga can have... So it's an experience I probably won't have for a long time. For now, I just try to bear with the anxiousness and pain as best I can. It usually clears out before the next morning, so if I can just make it to sleep, it should be alright.

Today, my remedy was alcohol. And to tell you the truth, that combined with a couple of pan and writing this entry has worked quite well. When I finished the children's manga yesterday, what I really wanted to do was to have a celebration and get wasted with the other exchange students today. But, as I learned during the day, none of the other exchange students are into getting wasted today... Dion is too tired and Richard and Tom are working, and of the others I don't know because they weren't at home. So, feeling as depressed as I did after leaving the others, I thought I could at least get wasted by myself. I got a couple of cakes (or pan as they call them here) and a couple of Chu-hi from Maruzen and went to sit at an empty park, and drank the two Chu-hi almost straight. I felt like one of those miserable people that eat loads of cakes and chocolate to drown theirs sorrows (which wasn't a good thing at all), but at least the alcohol got me nicely going and helped to dull off the pain that was ever so cluching my chest...

Now I kinda understand what alcoholists that drink to drown their sorrow feel like, which kinda makes me scared, because I don't want to become an alcoholist or rely on alcohol to drown my sorrows... I hope this will be the last time I have to rely on alcohol alone, hopefully when I get back home I can at least rely on Ravie to comfort me if nobody else can. Even if he wouldn't be able to recognize when to tell me I'm wanted (because I know he can sometimes be so blind, just like me, when it comes to these things a dream boyfriend/girlfriend should know instantenously), I'm sure he'd be able to hold me close when I'm feeling insecure.

By the way, there are usually a lot of places I could go to meet other people even after I'm rejected at one place. I have quite a lot of acquintances in Finland, so if nothing else, I could log on to IRC and go idle on a channel my friends hang out at. Even now I could go online and a lot of people would probably be delighted to hear from me. But the thing is when this kind of depression hits me, I'm usually in the need of physical closeness, which is not something an online conversation can give. By the time I leave the people I've been trying to hang out with I'm so depressed that I curl up in myself, which would basically be the perfect time to go idle on an IRC channel and just read what the others are talking about. But if I'm as depressed as I usually am, I don't even want to say hi to others, and when I get online there usually are people that want to at least say hi to me when I get to the channel. And if I don't even want to let them know I'm there, it's not really working. So even if logging in an IRC channel might help me, I never do, because of the sidebacks that inevitably come with it...

Keeping a diary is so good to me. Right now, after writing all this out, I've been able to clear my head a bit and even cry a bit, so I'm feeling a lot better. I hope I'll be able to remember what I've written here the next time this depression hits me, so I might be able to draw some comfort from it... *sigh* I guess I can make it through this evening at least a bit happier than usually, after all... Though after the sky mail I just sent to Dion, blaming him for making me lonely (:P), I'm probably just asking for more trouble and will be even more depressed if he ever answers to that.